People in the South really are friendlier. So annoying.

MAJOR CRISIS: I do not know what to have for lunch. Somebody hold me.

Request to Nashville: dial back the country music, please.

Listening to Eminem "Recovery." Observation: he's very good at rapping.

So annoyed that I have to wake up early tomorrow. Where is a giant planet-destroying asteroid when you need one?

Great newss: Just found out I'm going to be the official foot model for toenail fungus.

I would get so much more done if they stopped making girls.

Hey Nashville, you're an asshole if you don't come to my shows at Zanie's this weekend. http://tinyurl.com/25w4nsk

Life would be so much better if traffic could literally suck my dick.

Elizabeth Warren is the sexy Ralph Nader.

I'm at Zanie's in Nashville starting tomorrow. Come for the comedy, stay for the me feeling you up. http://tinyurl.com/25w4nsk

Read my thoughts on stabbing people here: http://tinyurl.com/cebf44

Everybody should be allowed one stabbing per day.

Here's the thing I don't understand about "Inception:" when did Leo get so GORGEOUS?!?!???

Tugboat crashes into well: now there's a new spill. Bet you anything Obama was driving the tugboat.

Bad news: another Gulf oil spill. Good news: I had no idea we had this much oil.

Laser burned my finger earlier. (Laser = toaster)

Sometimes I put too much salsa on my quesadilla and it feels like the Holocaust all over again.

Decided I am magic. It's cool.

Nashville: you and me. Zanies. This weekend. Kissing? http://tinyurl.com/q5qew5