Bristol Palin joins Dancing with the Stars - officially cementing the Palins as America's new Beverly Hillbillies! #dwts

@ParisHilton told police she thought the cocaine was gum. Exactly! When you're on coke everything DOES taste like gum!

Life is my oyster! I'm allergic to oysters.

Needs a new career. Luckily - the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are hiring!

Wanna ask me a question? Starting Wednesday, my assistant will be answering your fan/hate mail on YouTube. No subject off limits!

Paris Hilton Thanks Fans for their Support! In other breaking news: Paris Hilton has fans?

#goUSAbid! Be the 1 millionth person to sign the petition to bring the world cup to the USA in 2018 or 2022 - www.gousabid.com

So excited to win an Emmy! Oh wait never mind that was John Stewart.

Paris Hilton arrested for Coke. In other shocking news - Catholic priests like children, & Obama is black.

Paris Hilton arrested for Coke. In other shocking news - Earth is still round, & the sky is still blue.

Michael Lohan to open a Rehab Clinic! I'd make a joke - but it's too damn easy.

I've done lots of bad shit - but at least I'm not responsible for Twilight.

Got a new, hip Apple product! It's so awesome and - fuck it just became obsolete.

is turning over a new leaf. Damnit - this one's also covered in shit!

is inside your dreams.

is a majority stockholder in TMZ. Now you understand.

Check out this cool dating site that works! It is free to join. Join now and RT >> http://lx.im/60Fd (Ad)

Would love to share with you the most intimate details of my life - but I don't feel like being sued for mind rape.

The grass is always greener, unless you live nextdoor to the elderly.

Bob Dylan to release New Record - his first since becoming an undead zombie.