I’m a real American. I don’t just take Labor Day off, I take Labor Week off. See you on the 7th!

See you at the emmys this weekend! To help you recognize me, i'll be the one holding an emmy.

Still can't decide how to dress for Beck's 8/28 rally. Silk pantaloons or Continental Congress Casual?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, then I guess I just got away with tree murder.

By reading this tweet, you have earned a masters in communication from Stephen Colbert "University." Standard text messaging rates apply.

My only problem with online universities is the difficulty of throwing an online keg party.

If our flag has 13 stripes, shouldn't our year have 13 months? The new month can be called Amonthica. Also I need to take Amonthica 3rd off.

my two emmys are getting along so well, i think one of them might be pregnant

Iran began loading rods into their reactor. But I thought Iran's strict moral code called for the stoning of anyone caught "rod loading"?

Iran may have a new weapon, but there's a bright side: they have to acknowledge Israel exists before they can attack it.

Have you seen this? http://yfrog.com/mu3xpj

The one thing I'll never understand about calculus is how to do it.

If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.

If there are any ufo nielsen families out there, please tell me what I can do to attract you. Human enslavement? Guest probes? just say it.

This Emmy is my new favorite rich guy thing to serve tacos out of.

I can't believe my writers won another Emmy. Now they're going to start demanding snack breaks.

If (well-known maxim), then why (twist on literal meaning of maxim)? Hey, my writers didn't do my tweets either!

I finally found a word that rhymes with orange! Orangutan! The "utan" is silent.

You have to break a few chairs if you want to make an omelet. I'm sorry, making omelets just makes me really mad.

I finally found a word that rhymes with orange! Orangutan! The "utan" is silent.